This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
