Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
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Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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