I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
