I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
