just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize