i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
