so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
