I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
