theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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