I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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