Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
