one word: firstdatebathroomanal
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
