On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
