8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
where does the pee come out of this thing
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
