I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Did I show you my penis last night?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
