Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
