One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
