Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
