PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
