Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
