Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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