fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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