First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
