You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
