He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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