Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
