I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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