Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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