two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
