its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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