Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
