He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
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I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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