This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
