Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
