that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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