I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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