i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
