worst night to have a conscience
two words...techno handjob
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
