maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
