So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
