how can u be prego again
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
