I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
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Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
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This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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