You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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