i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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