What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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