I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
