what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
