Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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