Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
