I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
