I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
