I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
