I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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