Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
