dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
