I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
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I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
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Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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